Ever get into a conversation with other parents about how to discipline your kids? It’s like bringing up politics at a high school reunion with a dude who is now wearing khakis like it’s his job. And there’s an open bar. And he never liked you anyway because of that thing you did in 1989.

Discipline. I’d rather subject myself to a Katherine Heigl movie marathon than get the unsolicited you-know-what-you-should-do.

Most of my old friends grew up with the spanking deterrent, coupled with elaborate stories of “well, back in my day.” Sometimes, I like to relay these tales to my new California friends, who gasp in horror as their 5-year-olds smear their brand new Janie and Jack outfits in mud while using their little brother’s $600 Bugaboo stroller as a bumper car.

“We like to use positive reinforcement. It’s better for their development.” Great. How’s that working out for you?